- I am a dick
- I love money
- I spend money
- I love booze
- I drink booze
- I love cigarettes
- I smoke cigarettes
- I hate being broke
- I love my family
- I hate my family
- I rant
- I love fast food
- I never have money
- Since blogspot told me to I love scooters, vacation, and fall, three of the most vindictive topics in my life
Now, I've come to a realization lately that I've learned how to piss people off. This doesn't mean just anybody, but mainly my family. Touch on one little note that anyone finds offensive or "touchy" and they will fucking EXPLODE!
Recently I've declared myself as the proverbial "Black Sheep" of my family. I think it all started when I was the last one left in my parents house and had to move into my dungeony basement. Now, I say dungeony with such disdain not because of the pimpalicious lair I built it into but more so the place it resided: Wayne, NE. That place ruins people. It makes you have kids, or drop out of college, or get a few MIPs or DUIs. I didn't have kids, get any MIPs, or DUIs, what the fuck do you think happened? I moved away, started school, dropped out because in my opinion I got FUCKED, and sit here wasting away for a little while smoking way too many cigarettes, pounding way too many beers, and wasting a lot of money on music and food.
Back to my offensive with this blog. I get drunk, I yell, I talk, I'm obnoxious, and worst (best) of all...I tell secrets, I spill my guts. Anyone with skeletons in their closet should know by now that I shouldn't know old raggedy bones' name otherwise I'll spill it all over until he's a fucking celebrity. With that, if you do something I disagree with, people will hear about it. Sometimes I'm worse than a 13-year old girl at a fucking pep rally. I've come to terms with my idiocy, especially after my "bout of silence".
I watched a movie once, it was called "Little Miss Sunshine". Shortly thereafter I did what any impressionable college-aged human would do and quoted it. But it was a different sort of quote. That movie "moved me" or some bullshit like that and I decided it may be fun to try a month of silence. I made it a few days by nodding my head or writing notes, but I realized the uncanny amount of stupid things people will say if I don't steal it out of their mouth first. Needless to say that "bout of silence" lasted no longer than a virgin in bed for the first time.
Once again, back to my offensive, I need some fucking Ritalin. I'll call a very close person to me "Kevin". Now, Kevin is ultimately a good person, but as with everyone he's got his faults. His fault you ask? His dick's got a mind of his own, that or it's got opposite roots that have infected his brain to the point that he will always, and this is not an exaggeration, always think about sex somewhere in his brain. They say the average human only uses about 10% of their real brain power while the rest goes unnoticed to stupid things like motor skills, I'd say about 3% of that 10% goes to the mission of bagging chicks. The worst part is it turned into an "all he could get buffet" for awhile. Granted, things have gone up and down a lot, it's always been lingering.
With that said about Kevin, we can revert back to my old raggedy bones movement. Everyone is shooting for some sort of action, especially if they're at a party or a gathering, and we will all pounce all over anything we can get. Say Kevin brings over Girl #1. Girl #1 starts talking to me, and I spill the beans on Kevin, or whoever the fuck Girl #1 came with. That leaves the scoreboard Jordan-1, Kevin-0, until Kevin hears about it and it's all lies. See, it really is a double-edged sword, I'll say something about Kevin, Kevin will denounce it as lies, and we will both be in the wrong. I'll be in the wrong for spilling the beans, and Kevin will be in the wrong for saying the truth is lies. If you haven't gathered yet, Kevin is actually my older brother with a shadow cast over me.
Now back to how big of a piece of shit I am. I have a job, I am somewhat respected in this job as best you can be, I'm "management". I am "the phone police". We're going to call me job "PRU" or "Phones 'R' Us". Basically, this telemarketing firm pushes insurance, and it's a big runaround that I won't explain, considering my job is to be right in the middle of it telling lies to every party involved (it makes me feel like a lawyer, which gets me all fucking giddy). I work as little as possible at my job for two reasons: A) I love to party, too much and B) I've been waiting for my raise for a long time now. Maybe if they gave me incentive to work more I'd be less broke all the time. I spend all my money on booze and cigarettes, we already went over this, but I find it a very important fact of my life so I gloat about it like somebody would their Mustang or Mustang Sally.
When I get drunk, or when I stay sober, I tell people I'll pay them back, or give them something when I have the money. Do I? Very rarely. And it's not because I'm that big of an asshole, in fact I believe strongly in the virtues of Capitalism and Supply & Demand. I don't pay them back because I've spent all my money on booze and cigarettes. I do this to everyone in reach, my friends, my family, people I don't even know, to the point that it makes me an asshole. To be quite honest, being an asshole is fun and since everyone sees me as one, I may as well keep leeching as long as I can.
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